sc | i lost it and will never regain your trust back. that hurts.

Friday, October 30, 2009

what does man fear the most?

is it disappointment?
or uncertainty. or is it fear itself?

the fear of disappointment is enough to cause one to change his outlook on life simply to try and avoid it.
not too long ago i read a quote in the Life! section of The Straits Times, at the top of the comics page. i can't remember what he or she said. i only remember that what he/she said was very similar to what i kind of believe in.
~~~~~ if you do not have high and lofty targets, instead holding realistic expectations, you set yourself up for less disappointment. the higher you raise yourself, the higher the fall, the more painful the impact.

that was a lesson i learnt three years ago. i guess subconsciously it has affected me such that i become more realistic. at least i will be less disappointed in life.

or will i?

regardless, i still fear disappointment. i don't like it. i don't want it. i want to avoid it.

when faced with uncertainty, i find myself anxious. full of worry, my body is twisted into knots as i try to anticipate what is going to happen next.
the insatiable need to know is not satisfied and i'm left thirsting with no hopes of any form of quenching this thirst for certainty.
the unknown is too scary. and that is why man create frameworks, theories and hypotheses to put all of their knowledge into. in order that they may establish order in the chaos of this world and see a pattern in the workings of the world.
which would then enable them to predict what will happen next.

i have come to the conclusion i have no idea what i am talking about.
except i'm faced with the uncertainty of disappointment.

filled with dread.
drenched in fear.

but i will find strength in the source of strength itself.
the Lord Almighty.

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 11:05 PM

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Monday, October 26, 2009

it's becoming more difficult.
the end comes closer, the going gets tougher.

it feels like another race.
except this kind of race i don't enjoy. sigh.

just got to keep on going i guess.
is there any other option?

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 11:40 PM

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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

today is the last official day of acsi life.

i'll still return to the same old familiar building for mass remedials and lessons.
that's not the worst of it all. i'll have to make multiple trips back there to take my IB exam.
right now that's not something i'm looking forward to.

it was rather surreal.
only 100 minutes of lesson today. fortunately it was under our pct, which allowed us to be more relaxed in class. as someone in class put it, we were allowed to be ourselves. the jokes, the fun, we didn't have to hold back for fear of impropriety. a short class "party" of sorts. just a few tidbits and goodies to munch over. a couple of speeches. wonderful ones. and an almost non-existent one by sheryl. haha a lady of few words indeed.

next was a break. a long one. some went to play soccer. others like myself simply milled about. i took a photo with the just for mee aunty and uncle :D
HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY!!
and we stood behind the counter. it was indeed a really weird experience. it was so different to stand behind and look at the sac. surrounded by the empty bowls and uncooked noodles haha.

had a nice walk around with henry and daniel yee. some new experiences.

the laughter. the fun we had reminiscing about the past. both in the past two years and about our secondary school experiences. reflection is always an interesting process. it reveals so much that one never realised previously.

it seemed so long ago that i was a sec1 student in the Discovery Camp walking around the school under the psl in charge of my group. i think i was in Dover 5 or 6. can't really remember. so many events took place in between.

debate. from one of the many sec1 debaters to a member of the school team from sec2 to sec4. from the relative naivety and innocence then to what i view myself as now. bb. long story. very long story. prefectorial board. cross country. some of the things just to name a few.

6 years. it was a 6 years full of experience. of great learning. learning life's lessons, life skills. and of course academic skills.

it comes to an end now.

interesting. very interesting past.

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 10:23 PM

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Friday, October 09, 2009

prelim results are back.

if they are anything to go by, it means i am well on my way to becoming one of the minority in the school who gets a score less than 40.

i never thought i would be that "unsmart".
i guess i've been living a lie all this while.

after ib, i shall try to live the life i was meant to live. no longer shall i imagine myself to have some semblance of intelligence or good health or fitness.

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 11:59 PM

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Thursday, October 08, 2009

it's just been one terrible week. i would like to think that it's inevitable. after the high of last week, there is no where to go but down and thus it feels like this week is horrendous.

but i know that's not the case.
the week has been difficult because i'm beginning to face the consequences of my actions or in the case of studying, my lack thereof.

the struggle is insane. nothing i expected, not even close.
the gradient so steep i feel like i'm slipping back no matter what i do.

i am extremely tempted to just give up and let go.
slide down and enjoy the ride while it lasts, before i reach rock bottom.
before i feel the pain. and try to survive.

the easy way out looks attractive.

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 12:03 AM

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Saturday, October 03, 2009

today kind of marks the end of watching movies? both watching and re-watching movies.

ever since last saturday, i've watched/rewatched
- nick and norah's infinite playlist (twice!)
- inglorious basterds
- never back down
- the ugly truth
- equilibrium
- cool runnings
- the curious case of benjamin button
- titanic

i must say it really ended on a high. i think titanic is absolutely brilliant. compared to all the other shows i've watched in the past week, everything else seems rather shallow. i don't know it just doesn't leave me going "wow" at the end or at least not to the same extent. i think it's one of my favourite movies ever!

now comes the time to stop thinking about shows, titanic etc.
and to stop reading bio.

time to study.

there's just one problem.
there always is one problem.

i don't feel like it.

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 11:22 PM

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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

looking at the comments for youtube videos in general,
i must say the human race is full of shit.

we're so self centred, we're so ready to make assumptions and start accusing someone else for being something they may not necessarily be.
we jump to conclusions, make hasty judgements.
the manner in which these are expressed is so devoid of compassion, tact.
it is blunt, sometimes explicit and condescending.

i'm not trying to say i'm not like that.
although i believe it's inevitable for me to feel i'm not like such people.
i believe it's human nature to have this false sense of superiority.
false sense of self-righteousness.

human nature is screwed up.
i am screwed up.

sc

whimsical nonsense @ 11:59 PM

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